Are you forcing yourself to continue learning a language? What about holding out for closure in a relationship that ended abruptly? Or continuing a friendship that leaves you feeling drained more often than not?
It could be ok — healthy, even — to give things like this up, says Adam Phillips, author of “On Giving Up.”
The new book is an introspective look at the psychology of letting things go and aims to give readers some insight into their own lives in the process.
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Phillips is a practicing psychoanalyst — someone who helps people understand themselves and make better choices in life, according to the American Psychological Association. For Phillips, this means letting people speak freely about things that are troubling them.
Lots of people have talked to Phillips about giving things up. There’s a duality to the notion, he says.
Most of the time, there’s an assumption that, by giving something up, people will get something better in return — say, giving up smoking in return for better health. Or, that they can’t change, and so they give up on trying — like when someone smokes so much it becomes part of their identity.
It’s psychological, but also deeply informed by cultural norms.
“We tend to value, and even idealize, the idea of seeing things through, of finishing things rather than abandoning them,” says Phillips in the book. “Giving up has to be justified in a way that completion does not … (it) is usually thought of as a failure rather than a way of succeeding at something else.”
Say, for example, that you’ve been trying to learn the guitar. For whatever reason, you haven’t been able to commit to it — but instead of giving up, you keep slogging through or telling yourself you still plan to learn.
In this scenario, do you actually want to learn the guitar? Or is it that you have other, more important things you’d rather focus your time and energy on? Either way, giving up may be the best option. It could actually be seen as an investment in succeeding at something else rather than giving up on the guitar.
To delve into the idea of giving up and how it affects people throughout their lives, CNN spoke with Phillips about “On Giving Up” after its release. His comments have been edited for length and clarity.